Thinking of my Angel~~Angela Noelle

To Angela---My miracle baby. The one I knew was a gift from God, because she was a total surprise. The one I knew was a girl from the moment I found out I was pregnant.

It was different---I was sooooo sick with her, not like the boys who made me very tired and a wee bit nauseous, but never made me actually throw up. She was the only baby conceived without the help of drs and drugs, treatments and ultrasounds.

I saw and heard her beautiful heartbeat twice.....watched her grow from that tiny speck to look more like a peanut. Even though I knew from experience that I could lose her--I was older, and I'd already lost Tristan, so the fear was there, in the back of my mind---I began dreaming of this precious little girl who I was sure would have strawberry blond curls and big blue eyes just like her brothers. I pictured me dressing her up in dresses and bows, taking her to ballet and cheerleading camp...finally having a girl with whom to share tea parties, and giggle fests late into the night....things boys just wouldn't understand.

So needless to say, I just wasn't expecting to hear the dr's words---"I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat. This is not a viable pregnancy." After all, this was my miracle---my GIFT from God---the totally unexpected surprise! After giving me this precious gift, how dare He take it away from me?

It took me a very very long time to accept that there was a reason for this horrible loss, and while I will never know what that reason is, God does have a plan. And you better believe that it will be one of the first questions I ask when I get to Heaven! :o)

But for today....the 4th anniversary of that loss....all I can say is Happy Birthday Angela Noelle....born to Heaven way too soon. Your mommy loves you sweetie.