Thinking of my Angel~~Tristan

Six years ago today, I went in for a routine ob appt and the dr did an ultrasound. We were so excited and couldn't wait to see that precious little peanut again! There he was ----a perfect little thing....everything looked just like it was supposed to...........except there was something missing. Where was that little flicker that showed the heartbeat?

My dr tried every possible angle to see if he could find it. I couldn't see the screen, so all I could do was read his expression, and knew there was no heartbeat. My world came crashing down around me. Never had I considered in my wildest dreams, that I could miscarry a baby. God couldn't be that cruel. It had taken me 3 long years to get pregnant in the first place, and then I LOST it?? Impossible.

Unfortunately it was true. That was on a Wednesday, and the dr was unable to get me scheduled for a d&c until Friday. So I spent the next hours begging God for a miracle...he had to bring that baby back. I made every possible bargain I could think of, and even insisted that I have another u/s done before they did the d&c, because I BELIEVED a miracle would happen and my baby would really have still been alive.

Why had this happened to me? It was so unfair--it seemed like all around me girls who didin't deserve to be pregnant were having babies, and yet I would have given anything to have a baby and couldn't. Every night Trey would pray that God would send him a baby brother or sister to play with and it broke my heart because I wanted to give him a baby and just couldn't.

AT the time, I couldn't see any reason why I had to go through such heartache, but now, I see that it has made me a much better person....less judgemental, more caring and compassionate. So....on days like today, when the hurt is fresh once again as I relive that fateful day, I think of my precious little son Tristan, who is in Heaven welcoming other new angels to the playground, showing them around and getting to know the new kids, and I thank God for puting him in my life, even if it was just for a short few weeks.

Tristan, Mama loves you and wishes you were here.